dear complicated heart,
I’m not sure how to talk with you. It seems like I’ve found some way of communicating with many parts of myself, but you’re the hardest to reach. I feel like maybe I’ve done you some terrible wrong, so that conventional communication and reassurance have less meaning than they could. This saddens me and that sadness radiates out from you.
It’s like I can hear you asking “why didn’t you try harder?” Why didn’t I try everything harder? Why didn’t I do a better job? In everything I hear this question and I don’t have an answer. In most moments, I thought I was doing my best. I thought I was loving you and doing these things from the love you imbued me with. And I remember your joy while I radiated your feeling. But the truth of this is locked in time and you are the timekeeper.
And then, things were not what we thought. You forgot what we did together, it seems, but not how it felt, and the rest of me, not attached to the metronome to quite the same degree, remembers everything. I’ve talked with so many parts of myself and reassured them, but you are the most difficult to engage.
I love you. I love from you. I feel this closed circle, a current that permeates our relationship. Still, you’re angry at me. I can feel it sometimes when we see something together, a trigger for a memory, and you hurt. You physically hurt. Your timekeeping punctures, becomes sharper and I would ignore you for a little while.
Is this why you don’t trust me? Have I ignored you too much? Have I not looked at these pictures of lives we lived and commiserated with you, cried with you? We’ve done so much of this, but it seems like it is never enough, never as much as you’ve required. You’ve needed something from me and you’ve never had a voice to tell me.
So I don’t know what to do. I want you to tell me what to do. I feel you there, throbbing, and I am thankful you are, thankful for all you’ve been and all you will be. I’m not sure how else to be with you than with words and with feeling you there, loving you behind the shell you’ve built for yourself.
Please stay with me, always. Punctuate every word I form, keep time for every step. Help me to stay warm in the cold. I need you and through your hurt and anger, you need me. We are locked in this life together and though I’ve often yearned to open the cage you’re kept in, we would all perish in the process. All our processes would perish.
You are wordless but I feel you always.